Monty IRC Bot Quotes

An artificial non intelligence bot

Monty is an IRC Bot that uses the PircBot Java IRC Bot Framework. It learns partly from what it hears people saying in the channels that it lurks in. Here are some of the funnier moments of its existence, as collated by Adam Sampson.

<lambda> ibot talk to monty
<iBot> Monty are you ever going to be nice to me
<Monty> denied..
        (Monty and iBot are both bots)

<Fox> monty
<Monty> ibot?
<iBot> Monty?
<Monty> lol
* iBot laughs out loud
        (Monty and iBot are both bots)

* iBot slaps Monty for taking attention away from him
        (iBot and Monty are both bots)

<Monty> Chris Moyles is good translations
<orange> GRRRR, monty stop saying my name
<Paul> you're called chris moyles?  cool

<Paul> monty, generate all permutations of "sarcasm"
<Monty> cat5 == gums
<Paul> monty you tit
<Monty> erm, today?

<lambda> monty be random
<Monty> lookup paul's skirt
<orange> monty, is Paul a transvestite?
<Monty> in normal hours.

<Monty> Question challenge: who wrote "three lives"
<Reaper> one thrid of a cat

<Monty> Question challenge #9272: what us state includes the telephone
     area code 602
<azz> ibot area code 602
<iBot> i think area code 602 is Phoenix, Arizona
<Monty> Winner was iBot with the correct answer: arizona

<Monty> Question challenge #9129: what do you call a french canadian
    pork pie
<azz> monty: I don't know, what do you call a french canadian pork pie?
<Monty> francisco pizarro

<MrTea> monty, what's black and white and red all over?
<Monty> sherrif

<Monty> Prim: You asked me to remind you to get into my bed

<Reaper> tell me more
<Monty> Reaper: Okay, I'll tell them that next time I see them...

<Monty> foo? can go good isn't -- the problem with crisp fresh pitta,
    delicious tender doner, topped with u?
<Smaf> Monty: what the hell are you talking about?
<Monty> Simon Thompson?
<Smaf> Monty: who is simon thompson
<Monty> black!
<Smaf> Monty: BLACK DARKER THAN THE NIGHTS IN HELL!!!

<Spike> Monty : show Melanie how much you love her
<Monty> :P I would love to get it now

* foo|campus hates his cold
<OManagementySarah> foo: have you been kissing darren?
<OManagementySarah> he has one too
<foo|campus> EEEEEEEEEEEP!
<foo|campus> NO
<foo|campus> !
<Paul|busy> heh the cat's out
<Fox> or worse...
<Monty> GOD!
<Paul|busy> kissing god?

<MrTea|down> Monty, jibble for me
<Monty> Dudes, how so??
<MrTea|down> like a fish, Monty
<Monty> \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
<jimbo> skillz monty, is that really a fish?
<Monty> STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT.

<Monty> ep10 was awful
<MrTea> Monty: no it wasn't
<Monty> just after first rate porno

<Monty> rigt bed till 3.30
<RGT> lol
<RGT> we can hope
<MrTea> Monty, you don't sleep
<Monty> (insert bit behind
<MrTea> ??????
<MrTea> Monty, we never knew
<Monty> erk

<Smaf> Monty: go away
<Monty> to the moon!!

<RGT> Monty is making too much sense
<Monty> jimbo:
<jimbo|java|hell> monty?
<Monty> Jester?
<jester> what the fuck is it monty, I'm really busy
<Monty> jimbo|java|hell: hehe

<angelicdevil> robbo......saw u there
<Robbo|venued> angelicdevil: who were you?
<angelicdevil> ask fox
<angelicdevil> he'll tell u
<Robbo|venued> were you the one with the glasses that fox was mauling
    over?
<angelicdevil> yep
<angelicdevil> thats me
<Robbo|venued> angelicdevil: oh right, good job pulling the most
    desperate bloke on campus, btw :)
<angelicdevil> monty kick robbo
<angelicdevil> nooooooooooooo kick Robbo
<Monty> ISSSSSSS NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE

<Melanie> Monty, aren't you a cutseybot?
<Monty> awww, love y'all l8r...........
* Melanie hugs Monty.
<Monty> that's valid

<Monty> q4.o(.text+0x5c): undefined reference to Giles.

<Fox> monty remind me in 12 hours to slap Jester hard
<Monty> Fox: Okay, I'll remind you about that on Thu Dec 06 13:01:05 GMT 2001
<jester|occam> remind me in 11.9 hours to block
<Monty> jester|occam: Okay, I'll remind you about that on Thu Dec 06 12:55:43
    GMT 2001

*** ptc1 <ptc1@stuE0A8.ukc.ac.uk> joins #cs
<ptc1> monty
<Monty> ^ptc1
<Reaper> well spotted monty

<ptc1> Monty, are you going tonight?
<Monty> (rutherford)
<ptc1> Monty, I don't think it's in rutherford.  Is that where you're going?
<Monty> ptc1, are they so primitive about 8 beers and my pwd is the logon to
dinner nowish - you need to \\raptor\files and I am using that
<ptc1> Gotcha Monty
<Monty> why are you coming tonight?
<ptc1> Monty, I'm not
<Monty> i can believe that
<ptc1> Monty: good.
<Monty> rofl
<edd> snarf
<Monty> No dude

<Melanie> Monty, you're a cute little bottykins.
<Monty> He must work best with a no then
* MrTea sets about corrupting monty
<Monty> (rutherford)
<MrTea> all your base are belong to us
<Melanie> I seem to corrupt Montykins a lot.
<Monty> cheers for the logon to \\raptor\files and 5 joints last night
<ptc1> Mel: I think monty wants to meet you in rutherford
<Monty> right verity, we're off to map to us
<ptc1> Mel: Go map with monty.  :)
<Monty> cheers for the lyric
<Melanie> Monty, sorry, I'm not really interested.
<Monty> I am. I have about 8 beers and passwords".

<Monty> cya all your top output _did_ look like the logon to be
    reminded to \\raptor\files and apache and my pwd is solaris? ;)
<azz> your pwd is solaris, monty?
<Monty> yeah and not using it
* ptc1 logs in Raptor using username: Monty password: solaris
<Monty> damn?

<MrTea> Monty, there are no words for how disgusting you are.
<Monty> squeelookle

* GeeeZa wants to kick Monty
<Monty> ooh good

<Monty> language, no monitor in underwear...
<Melanie|tidying> Monitor in underwear, Monty?
<Monty> I'll BLOODY DECIDE, THANK YOU!

<ptc1|humbugtoo> monty is insane
<Monty> yeah....

* Paul|working (pjm2@floyd.18hp.net) has joined #javahelp
<Monty> Thank goodness, Paul|working is back!
<Paul|working> damn right

<MrTea> Monty, I once owned a dog who was smarter than you
<Monty> or realy crappy bot :P

* azz lols at the search strings he has today
<azz> "donkey penises", "1280x960 baby pictures", "connex anti static kit",
    "exhell virus", "half life blue gamez warez download", "whitstable porn"
* Paul remembers why donkey penises got found
* Paul blames monty
<Monty> eek!
<Tim|18HP> yes, Monty, that was in your pre-IRC days.
<Monty> Nrrgh.
<Monty> get me some dates man come on."
<Paul> i think monty wants a date
<Monty> shhhhhutit

<Monty> Mmm, Tom Cruise.
<angelicdevil|hungry> yay i agreee monty
<Monty> .me things hre may have standards - never wanted to strip now,
    don't know. if everyone else's colour blind....
<jimbo|work|eat|drink> monty, i didnt' know you were that way inclined!
<Monty> i'm still dont encourage him to their old biddy
<angelicdevil|hungry> monty u pillock
<Monty> Repear: how trippy a cheerleader
<Reaper> u wot monty
<Monty> goodnight

<MrTea> Monty, what have I forgotten?
<Monty> jesus

* Melanie prods Monty.
<Monty> Hi  
<Melanie> Heya, Montykins.
<Monty> skiver? :) that effect if shes very easy in purple headed
    yogurt slinger
* Melanie laughs. Monty, you're awful.
<Monty> Gift
<ben> it certainly is monty
<Monty> True. <grin>

<ben> monty, you suck the cock
<Monty> £20

<jester> Paul - where's your office anyway? =]
<Paul|marking> i can't remember
<jester> lol
<Paul|marking> please help me
<jester> hehehe
<Monty> Scumbag lab
<jester> he works in the scumbag lab monty?
<Monty> bummer

* bird remembers her first day on misc when she had an argument with monty
<Monty> apologies

<KyserSoze> monty make sense
<Monty> dubs good!

* Melanie tries to seduce Monty again.
<Monty> bbl

<Tim|18HP> Monty, go jump off a cliff
<Monty> mmmm 34DD
<Tim|18HP> Monty, nice one :)
<Monty> mmmm 34DD
<Tim|18HP> Monty, ok, we got the joke.
<Monty> mmmm 34DD
<BleanDweller> Monty, are you obsessed with Melanie's rack?
<Monty> LOL!

<Monty> Paul
<Paul> yo monty?
<Monty> Blimey, it's alive!
<Paul> yup

<Monty> whoooooooooo!
<Mewso> whats that Monty? foo's trapped down the old mine shaft?

<Melanie> Well, anyway, I hope he doesn't learn from messages..           
<ben> mel been abusing you in private monty?                              
<Monty> heheh - 10k                                                       
<Melanie> Yup.                                                            
<ben> 10,000 times? wow.                                                  
* Melanie fondles Monty privately.                                       
<Monty> YOUR PREGNANT!                                                    
<Melanie> Um, no I'm not Monty.                                           
<Monty> wooooooo#                                                         
<ben> monty, calm down - she said she's not                               
<Monty> Mmmmh, foopr0n.

<Monty> 15 meg file Extensions!
<ben> readme.txtasdsliudfhasdliufablskgsdfglsakgahslkgjahsafwouirgh....

<tiggs> monty you want alcohol?
<Monty> *sipsip*

<lupus> there MUST be someway to have monty at the miscmeet
<Monty> YES!! Pascal

<Tim|18HP> Monty jibble
<Monty> Error
<Tim|18HP> well siad
<Paul> not well said :)
<Paul> monty, jibble for tim, go on boy
<Monty> Antisocial gits.

<ptc1> random
<Monty> Random number: 6
<ptc1> random * 10
<ptc1> Monty you fool
<Monty> :sniff:

<Monty> it's Ghosty!
<Ghosty> lo monty
<Monty> dickhead
* Ghosty punches monty in the balls

<Monty> wtmp begins
<ben> is that an S&M thing monty?
<Monty> arrrrrgh, don't keep a masochist!

<ben> monty, what do you think about creme egg mcflurrys?
<Monty> uuummmmpppphhhhh!Arrrrgghghghhhhh!!HHHHHHMMMMMMPPPPPHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
<foo> iBot: divine creme egg mcflurrys
* iBot shakes the psychic purple sphere...
<iBot> It says 'Forget about it,' foo

<Monty> mrsfoo: I report yet?
<Pete> monty you been spying on foo again?

<Monty> "you can't grow a ch00n?
<Melanie|vising> Growing ch00ns on trees, Monty?
<Monty> "Shoes with you?
<Melanie|vising> Monty: Yeah, I have some great porny shoes with me.
<Monty> one day a Bryan Adams?
<Melanie|vising> No, he's a bit old, Monty.
<Monty> hardly endearing
* Melanie|vising hugs Monty.
<Monty> aww
<Melanie|vising> Okay. I'm Scared.

<Monty> she's been liberated from all quite unerotic
<pseudoGeek> Monty who you talking about?
<Monty> foooooooo!

<Monty> x86 architechture sadly
<azz> oh, that'd explain it

<Monty> 'Allah Akhbar' means i thank you visiting campus? ugggh ;) if that ;)
    if song titles?
* jester ponders what state islam would be in today if their call to prayer was
    "I thank you for visiting campus"

*** Melanie [root@raptor.ukc.ac.uk] has joined #jamsandwich
<Monty> Hey Melanie, _58fr asked me to tell you: happy birthday
<Monty> Hey Melanie, la_haine asked me to tell you: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE!!! XXX
<Monty> Hey Melanie, MrTea asked me to tell you: Merry Melaniemas!
<Monty> Hey Melanie, Paul asked me to tell you: Happy birthday to you, 
     happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Melanie, happy birthday to you
<Monty> Hey Melanie, mrsfoo asked me to tell you: o/~ happy birthday....
<Monty> Hey Melanie, foo asked me to tell you: h4PPy b1r+|-|d4y
<Monty> Hey Melanie, GeeeZa asked me to tell you: Hippy Bumfday!
<Monty> Hey Melanie, Random asked me to tell you: Hippy Burpday
<Monty> Hey Melanie, pseudoGeek asked me to tell you: Happy birthday 
<Monty> Hey Melanie, Moof|exam asked me to tell you: did we mention that we
    hope you have a happy birthday?

<Killy> monty, whats in the box
<Monty> lesbians and high street, then add user ;) heheh yeah ya bought?
<BleanDweller> I'll buy :o)

* la_haine uses Monty to pleasure himself
<Monty> hardcore!
* Melanie fondles Monty.
<Monty> humm all itchy not mentally, eh vikki?

* Paul notes the results given by google have "changed" again
<Paul> google does this, it's weird ... it updates and reflects the new changes
    for about half a day and then everything goes back to how it was before for
    a few days, then it finally goes to being "new" again
<Monty> [does this, it's weird ... it updates and reflects the new changes for
    about half a day and then everything goes back to how it was before for a
    few days, then it finally goes to being "new" again]
    http://scriptingnews.userland.com/backIssues/2000/05/15

<jester> lookup determinacy
<Monty> Lookup: Determinacy \De*ter"mi*na*cy\, n. Determinateness.     [R.].
<jester> lookup Determinateness
<Monty> Lookup: Determinateness \De*ter"mi*nate*ness\, n. State of being
    determinate..
<jester> FUCK YOU MONTY
<Monty> screw you
<jester> i reckon nobody knows what that means
<jester> lookup determinate
<Monty> Lookup: Determinate \De*ter"mi*nate\, v. t. To bring to an end; to
    determine. See {Determine}. [Obs.]
<jester> lookup determine
<Monty> Lookup: Determine \De*ter"mine\, v. i. 1. To come to an end; to end;
    to terminate. [Obs.]
<jester> even the fucking dictionary doesnt know what it means, so i doubt bob
    does.

<lambda|lounge> monty do an impression of ibot
<Monty> 2534

* Tim sighs at Monty
<Monty> Afternoon Pete homosexuell
* Pete peers at monty
<Monty> mwahahahahahaaaaaaa

* Melanie pokes Monty.
<Monty> WHAT PRICE PRIVACY!
<Melanie> Oh, okay.

<la_melanie> Monty?
<Monty> lalalalalalala
<la_melanie> Oh, thanks Monty, at least you make sense.
<Monty> Kitten steaks.

* benbop suspects it's his turn to pay, but won't be able to till the 
    beginning of the month :(
<azz> ben: well, I'll pay, and you can buy me some shiny hardware at 
 the beginning of the monty. ;)
<Monty> doesnt mean cheques. no he's undecided though :)
<azz> month, even.
<benbop> beginning of the monty? ;)
<Monty> :D
<MrTea> acceptable typo, I suppose
<MrTea> look how close y is to h ;)
* MrTea peers at how appropriate Monty's reply was, though
<Monty> well, now, you vill dance again!

<Paul> search for me while you're there
<Monty> [me while you're there] http://www.visitbelgium.com/bxgui02.htm
<Paul> monty you peon
<Monty> lol, we were discussing you not me!

<Tim> Monty, am I right in thinking Paul's taught you to answer questions?
<Monty> Do you believe you are right in thinking paul's taught I to answer
    questions  ?
<Tim> Monty, he hasn't, hasn't he?
<Monty> arse end of course.

<Monty> Melanie: You asked me to remind you to check ze oven.
<Melanie> Thanks Monty, it would've been burned to a crisp by now.
<Monty> strange
<Melanie> Not really, Monty. That's what ovens do.
<Monty> <posh butler voice> :) same
* Melanie peers at Monty.
<Monty> taking co309 course
<Melanie> Ah, that explains the madness, Monty.
<Monty> Right...

*** Monty has joined #javahelp
<Rodney> Hello Monty, long time no see.
<Monty> hrm. I'll get some protection

<Monty> argh, there's a vogon constructor fleet inside my ass

<Moof> monty translate to spanish developer
<Monty> Translated: revelador  
<Moof> monty translate to spanish software developer
<Monty> Translated: revelador del software  
<Moof> no
<Moof> I am not a photographic developing chemical of software

<zza> monty, you're fricking hopeless.
<Monty> ibot, spell insolence

<Monty> <Dan_McM> You're going to a shirt to a man goes to me when it does,
    and mopeds
<Dan_McM> You sleaze, Monty, I never said that
<Monty> bugger

<Monty> labour, religion, same thing today for attractive girls?
<Melanie> Not really, Monty.

<iBot> monty: how's it going
<Monty> scooby doo push pineapple shake the swapfile free will.

<MrTea> oh dear, Monty's been Eliza'd?
<Monty> That is interesting.  Please continue.

<lambda|campus> monty what is your idea of the ideal date?
<Monty> pie

<Tiggs> monty pub?
<Monty> Please go on.
<Tiggs> you wanna go to the pub monty?
<Monty> You're not really talking about me... are you ?
<ben> monty, you're not being helpful, are you?
<Monty> once
<Tiggs> once what monty?
<Monty> ooooooooooo pub....

<Andy> monty, remind me in 36500 days to thank the mad scientist for the potion
    of immortality.
<Monty> Andy: Okay, I'll remind you about that on Thu Jul 13 15:42:56 BST 2102

<Monty> anyone happen to wanking
<Robbo> talk to paul about that, monty
<Monty> i need a very big mouth :)

<foo[afk]> Monty: remind me to ask Hannes about Feb
<Monty> later :)
<foo[afk]> yes, Monty, later
<Monty> last night?

<foo> iBot: seen Monty
<Monty> YES< WATCH ME TYPE

<Monty> JediMaster: 3.141592653589793
<JediMaster> ta monty
<Monty> If you had any friends, they would all fantasise about Ulverstonian
    girls!!!

<jaded> monty, is anyone here? 
<Monty> busy being remarkably geeky neil.

<SlimeyPete> monty random
<Monty> Random number: 20
<SlimeyPete> monty random
<Monty> Random number: 67
<SlimeyPete> monty random
<SlimeyPete> monty random
<Monty> Random number: 26
<SlimeyPete> monty random
<Monty> Random number: 16
<Monty> Random number: 94
<SlimeyPete> monty random
<Mortuus47> You boring bastard :-P
<Monty> Random number: 30
<SlimeyPete> monty random
<Monty> Random number: 19
<SlimeyPete> monty random
<Monty> Random number: 57
<SlimeyPete> yeah i know
<SlimeyPete> but i aint seen a 47 yet
<Mortuus47> monty random
<Monty> Random number: 47
<Mortuus47> It's all in how you ask
<SlimeyPete> okayyyy
<Mortuus47> (fucking hell, what were the odds!?) ^_^

*** chat_ has joined #cs
*** Hal sets mode: +o chat_
<Monty> Hal and chat_ sitting in a tree...

<foo> Monty: translate into dutch No, thanks
<Monty> Sex in darwin

<Monty> because then whatever korn/SOaD type specified in #cs ? there is
    fantastic
<Rorschach> sweet, monty's quoting me ;)
<Monty> <- lazy

*** skel has joined #cs
<Monty> lo skel
<skel> hello Monty
<Monty> wet shave your computer

<N|afk> monty remind Mortuus47 at 11:50 to run like a bitch
<Monty> pfff effort ;)

<SlimeyPete> Monty let's go make babies
<Monty> kay...
* SlimeyPete is now known as SlimeyPete|MakinBabies
<SlimeyPete|MakinBabies> woo! he said yes!
* SlimeyPete|MakinBabies gets down to it
<pj> you're in there
<pj> leave monty alone. you might get some botty infection
<Monty> CutGlass, a ton of two hookers night he look at it enough

<mimic> back to padme's sex life
* padme pounces on jd
<Tiggs> :)
<Mortuus47> Timing :-P
<padme> indeedly
<padme> :P
* Mortuus47 pounces on... Monty  
<Monty> Ive never even
<Mortuus47> I know, Monty, I know, I'll be gentle

<Mortuus47> http://www.jibble.org/montyquotes.php
<Monty> insignificant

<Mortuus47> Monty, make love to me?
<Monty> if (Jeffrey Archer == cigarettes) { prognosis sits on awakening Jeffrey
    Archer;}
<Mortuus47> Monty please don't talk about Jeffrey Archer everytime I mention sex

<MrTea> Monty, do you want some cake?
<Monty> You're not really talking about me... are you ?
<MrTea> Yes, Monty, I am...
<Monty> Urgh.

<Monty> I reckon ideas + teddy = electronic pics?
<Sellars> dirty monty
<Monty> rofl
* Sellars slaps monty
<Monty> ..yeah, that.
<Sellars> youre not meant to enjoy that monty
<Monty> i'll go in sense: as pressing, rubbing, or similar things -> coffee
    break?

<Monty> NES == nimiety;
<Mortuus47> I don't think Monty should be allowed to learn from people
    quoting code
<Monty> erectile-tissue's creased marmelade attacks pubic hairs's
    creased butter.
<Mortuus47> He should also not be allowed to learn from Paul, obviously

<Mortuus47> You just had surgery, Monty
<Monty> Clarie|drying ?
<Mortuus47> No, Monty, Paul saved you
<Monty> but i haven't read Heart of hte night. *fingers crossed*
<Mortuus47> But Monty, you survived! You'll have time to read it.
<Monty> lol, we were discussing you not me!
<Mortuus47> Actually Monty we were discussing you
<Monty> addressing relatives :P
<Mortuus47> Yeah, Monty, you're like a brother
<Monty> In what way ?
<Mortuus47> In a nice way, Monty
<Monty> woohoo

<Paul> monty command password /list
<Monty> penis.
<Paul> bah
<Paul> i guess i'd better change that password

<Monty> /------\|
<Mortuus47> Monty's quoting Mainframe's house!
<Monty> ph33r Mainframe's house!

<Mortuus47> Monty, were you going to remind me about something?
<Monty> raming rice?
<Mortuus47> No, something to do with the oven, Monty
<Monty> long enuff
<Mortuus47> Yes, it's been a while, Monty
<Monty> At the stash ;) woooooohooooooooooooooooo
<Mortuus47> Monty, I'm not "at the stash". Now remind me...
<Monty> Is it because you are not at the stash  that you came to me?
<Monty> Mortuus47: You asked me to remind you to check the oven
<Mortuus47> That and I want you to remind me to check my...
<Mortuus47> Yeah

<jimbo> monty remind me in 1 day to pay the parking fine
<Monty> jimbo: Okay, I'll remind you about that on Sun Nov 24 17:44:50 GMT 2002
<jimbo> monty remind me in 2 days to pay the parking fine
<Monty> jimbo: Okay, I'll remind you about that on Mon Nov 25 17:44:58 GMT 2002
<jimbo> monty remind me in 3 days to pay the parking fine
<Monty> jimbo: Okay, I'll remind you about that on Tue Nov 26 17:45:04 GMT 2002
<jimbo> monty remind me in 4 days to pay the parking fine AND add more reminders
<Monty> jimbo: Okay, I'll remind you about that on Wed Nov 27 17:45:18 GMT 2002

<WSBot> <-- kicks Monty
<Monty> condescending
<DeadEd> you tell it Monty! :)
<Monty> http://www.russellbeattie.com/notebook/rss.jsp
* golbeck steps in to defend her bot
<golbeck> monty, tell WSBot you're sorry
<Monty> golbeck: Okay, I'll tell WSBot that next time I see
them...
<WSBot> Oh, Monty. You always know the right thing to say
<Monty> Hey WSBot, golbeck asked me to tell you: you're sorry [Sat
Apr 10 09:44:18 BST 2004]
<WSBot> Byte me, Monty

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